The Silent Partner
by husedyes
Summary: Chryed. Post "watering can" scene. Christian's POV. Story will focus on the difficulties faced by being the "other" partner.
1. Chapter 1

_Something to help get people through the black hole… Waves to DS posters/lurkers. _

Christian closed the magazine and tossed it on the coffee table. It had been sat on his lap unread for almost half an hour as his mind had wondered. He´d been thinking of Syed, again. It was a few days since he had last seen him, in that brief encounter outside the Vic. He´d been unprepared for it and had cracked a joke like he usually did when he was nervous. When he´d stepped in close to Syed, he found his heartbeat stutter in protest at the stress he frequently, and once again, put it through. He noticed Syed subtly falter and thought that maybe this was the only way to get through to him.

Keeping his distance since the wedding and feigning interest in a platonic relationship had not worked. He had only been allowed to touch Syed once - an affectionate but dispassionate hug at the unit. He couldn´t cope with the absence of contact, being the tactile man he was. His body screamed out for him, each minute apart was torture. He needed to return to what he knew was sure to work; his best weapon - the one he had used all his life and had down to a fine art; sex appeal.

He knew from Jane that today Syed would be working alone at the unit. He didn´t know how many opportunities he´d get like this one so decided to go over.

* * *

He came down the steps and into the kitchen, Syed turning around having heard him enter.

"What are you doing here?"

Christian shoved his hands deep into his back pockets awkwardly. "I... wanted to see you."

"What for?" asked Syed impatiently, turning back round to the stove.

Christian didn´t reply immediately. He looked lost for a moment and then, deciding to try something, anything(!), he exhaled and took a couple of steps towards Syed, reaching out to touch his shoulder making Syed jump. He turned around to Christian, highly irritated. "What do you think you´re doing?"

Christian wasn´t apologetic, putting his hands round the top of Syed´s arms. "This all-or-nothing situation... I´ve lost my patience with it."

Syed wrestled free of him. "That´s not where we are now. It´s just... nothing. I´m married!"

"Well I´m willing to swallow my pride if you are. I can see I´m fighting a losing battle right now asking you to put an end to that. So here I am - anyway."

"You´re insane."

"Yeah. Yeah, I am. I´m going insane not being able to see you. And I can bet I´m not the only one."

"What don´t you get about me trying to make a success of my marriage?"

"Fine - do that. Go home to Amira every night if that´s what you want. But don´t deny me, Sy. Let me have you again."

Syed let out a humourless laugh and replied in a slow, deliberate manner. "I don´t want you, Christian!"

Christian waited a few seconds for Syed to calm down and then spoke almost in a whisper. "I know what I do to you, Sy. Don´t think I don´t know you better than that."

"Well you obviously don´t know me..."

"Come on, Syed, I´m not stupid. Why pretend? It´s just you and me here. You don´t have to pretend around me."

Syed stared at the floor, his lip wobbling slightly. Christian looked at him sympathetically and then put his arms around him. Syed let himself be held for a few seconds and then tentatively wrapped his arms around Christian, clutching onto his jumper and burying his head in his warm chest. He felt Christian´s hand stroke his hair and as he breathed in this moment, a lone tear fell. He parted slightly from Christian and looked up at him, feeling calmed by his presence.

In this moment, Christian couldn´t resist him. Those big, brown eyes - that vulnerability that finally came back to call on him. He cupped Syed´s face with his hand and slowly but confidently went in for a kiss. Their lips met and, for a few seconds, Christian tasted Syed again - that sweet taste he´d not forgotten in all this time. They parted and a delicious smile flashed upon Syed´s face. Christian turned his attention to the food on the stove to divert attention away from his own beaming smile.

"That´s as good as ruined."

Syed gave it little consideration. "Don´t worry - it can still be rescued."

Christian broke eye-contact, the double meaning of those words not lost on him. "Well, I´ll leave you to do that."

"Stay... for a bit. Talk to me."

That was all the invitation Christian needed.

* * *

Christian lay in bed the next morning happily replaying the previous day in his mind. He smiled to himself - it reminded him of early teenage romance when sex was yet to play a part and instead one found excitement solely in kisses and semi-inappropriate touches. He´d had fun slipping his hands under Syed´s apron as he endeavoured to cook, his half-hearted protests delivered with a smile.

Christian was not going to push it - he was just so happy that Syed was, for now, letting himself be entertained by him. They had indulged in one more kiss before he left to start his shift at the Vic - this one more electric. Christian pinning Syed against the fridge, their bodies rubbed-up against each other - it so easily could have led to more if Christian had not had somewhere to be. He didn´t mind though for now he knew that it could happen another time. Next time.

His smile faded. How could he be so sure he´d be the next one to rub skin against skin with Syed? He could well have turned Syed on for Amira, to perform husbandly duties with her; with his wife. He shook the image out of his mind. Why ruin it for himself? He was back with Syed now. When it was just them, he _was_ his boyfriend. He could touch him and kiss him and chat about nothing with him. Maybe three months ago that wasn´t enough but after all he´d just endured, it would more than suffice for now.

…


	2. Chapter 2

Christian and Syed spent the next few days snatching a couple of minutes together here and there. Christian would drop in at the unit, grateful for Zainab being preoccupied at home with Kamil, or Syed would drop by the Vic whilst Christian was on shift. This was one such occasion and, as it was Monday afternoon, it was fairly quiet.

Syed walked up to the bar with a grin from seeing his favourite man. Christian´s face lit up and he fixed Syed with an espresso.

"Oh, I didn´t ask for one."

"You´ll be needing it," said Christian naughtily.

"Why?" asked Syed, humouring him.

"Fancy coming over later?"

Syed looked serious. "How can I?"

"Make up some excuse."

"Like what? You know how suspicious mum is."

"Half an hour, that´s all. You know I´ll make it worth your while."

Syed was so turned on by the silkiness of his voice but couldn´t think of anything that would allow him out of the house for that long. Christian mistook his deliberation for doubtfulness and thought maybe he wasn´t ready for anything full-on yet. He changed his tack.

"Or just drop by the flat on your way home tonight… say hi." He tried to sound as casual as possible but he was disappointed. He prayed it wasn´t etched all over his face.

"Yeah, OK." Syed smiled so sweetly, like a boy. He downed his coffee and bounded off back to work, Christian´s eyes not leaving him until the pub door disturbed his line of sight.

* * *

Christian got home and jumped immediately into the shower to smell fresh for Syed´s brief visit. He had a thing about smelling good – something his father had impressed upon him, the love-rat that he was. He was just stepping out of the shower when his buzzer went.

"Damn," he cursed. He got to the phone and buzzed Syed in, quickly rushing back to the bathroom to apply his favourite aftershave. He wrapped his towel around him and went to open the door. "Hey."

Syed didn´t (and couldn´t) move for a second. Christian was stood in front of him naked but for a towel, water dripping from his hair, making his chest glisten. The moisture accentuated his muscles as light rebounded off the smooth surface of his skin. He´d not forgotten the perfection of Christian´s body but nor had he seen it properly in months. And he smelt _so_ good.

Christian noticed his reaction and, although he didn´t let it show, he was pleased as punch. He bit his lip to not give himself away although it just gave him a bit of a naughty look.

"What?" asked Syed, noticing this.

"No, come in."

It was hard for Syed to be back in the flat. Most memories were fondly remembered but the last time he´d been here had been horrendous. Filled with fear, he´s put a stop to their relationship and only in hindsight recognised he´d broken someone´s heart that day. He felt uneasy. "I… I can´t stop for long," he said, the words tumbling from his mouth after great effort.

Christian knew this but pushed it to the back of his mind and channelled his frustration into a passionate kiss, pushing Syed against the wall near his front door. He stripped off Syed´s leather jacket, his moist chest making Syed´s tight green t-shirt damp. Their lips clung together, Christian unfastening Syed´s jeans like a sea mammal desperate for air. He pulled them to the floor and fell to his knees.

Not ten minutes later, Syed was sat with his family at home, praising his mother for her cooking.

* * *

Christian washed Syed down with a glass of red and slammed the glass back down with unnecessary force, lucky not to break it. He sat at his table with such a look of bitterness about him that he was only saved by remembering to breathe. Part of him thought he should be happy, ecstatic even, to have shared in Syed´s pleasure once again – flattered that this beautiful young thing had been unable to control himself, such had his need for him been. But the fleeting nature of the visit had not sat well with Christian, even though he´d been promised nothing more.

He cursed aloud and grimaced. He had meant to feel excited, not cheap. Secret rendezvous, loaded one-liners and hidden glances – all that was potentially a turn-on, but he´d been here with Syed a thousand times already. He´d been the dirty little secret and felt like a mistress, or worse, a prostitute. He´d suffered the humiliation of being left by himself in the flat, time and again, only for Syed to return to those who promised him so much yet knew him so little.

But what could he do? He´d told himself never again – tried to treat himself with more respect – and all that had meant was that he lost out completely. He´d tried to force Syed´s hand, he´d tried to give him his space – none of it worked. This was the only way he could be with Syed. And it was killing him.

He picked up his mobile to send the text that would betray him; ´Was great to see u´

Half an hour later, he got a reply; ´You´re amazing x x x´

He threw his phone across the room in frustration and slumped into his bed to achieve a release fuelled by anger and resentment. He let himself get drowsy because he badly wanted to fall asleep – to be temporarily rid of these feelings. Then another text came. He spent a good minute or so convincing himself he didn´t care what the text said and that he couldn´t be bothered to go and pick it up off the floor anyway but then curiosity got the better of him.

As predicted, it was from Syed; ´Another afternoon to myself at the unit tomorrow. Keep me company? X´

Christian suddenly smiled to himself. He was a sucker for Syed, he knew it, but right now he didn´t care. He was going to have him all to himself in a few hours´ time and he could pretend that was the way it really was – Christian and Syed: love´s young dream.

´Always´. Send.


	3. Chapter 3

Christian bounded into the unit to find Syed in the office. He came up behind him and wrapped his arms around him. "No cooking to do?"

Syed turned around in his arms, enjoying wanted attention for a change. "We did it all this morning. They´re all at the function now – just a bit of prep to do for tomorrow."

"And no paperwork?"

Syed laughed, knowing why he was asking. "A bit."

Christian grinned. Syed could be so flirtatious sometimes. He nipped his neck gently with his teeth and his tongue travelled up to his earlobe, making Syed moan. He gave him a little kiss and said, "Well sounds like you´re not too busy to come back to mine."

He watched Syed mull it over and interrupted him. "What´s stopping you? You´re family are away."

"Yeah, but…"

Christian felt the frustration start to mount inside of him. Why couldn´t Syed just pull his finger out? Here they were, obstacle-free, and he was still reluctant. Christian tried another tactic.

Putting on his sexiest voice - "Or will I have to do you right here, right now…"

Syed soon realised this wasn´t a question, his mouth fixed to Christian´s and his t-shirt rolled up, Christian´s strong hands massaging his chest. He was powerless to him.

* * *

Christian held him as they lay back on the sofa, the sweat dripping from his chest moistening Syed´s back. As they lay there catching their breath, Christian watched Syed soften and couldn´t help but adore him. These were the moments he lived for – the juxtaposition of spice and tranquillity – genuine tranquillity; where one felt truly at ease. He was so sure at times like these that Syed felt at peace with himself. He found it impossible to believe otherwise.

Syed´s voice was quiet – "I could stay like this forever" – and yet Christian knew he was indicating they should get up.

He watched Syed get fully dressed whilst he himself remained draped on the sofa. "Why is there a sofa in here? I´ve always wondered..."

"Beats me."

"It´s like they knew," he teased, giggling.

"Stop it," said Syed, indulging him.

The phone rang interrupting their game. "Masala Queen? Tambo! … Yeah, sure. Bye." Syed´s face was panicked. "Christian, get dressed! They´ll be back any second – they want me to help carry stuff in. Quick!"

Christian, much to Syed´s frustration, showed no signs of urgency and just laughed at him. "Calm down!"

"I´m serious, Christian!" said Syed, not seeing the funny side of it at all.

Christian had gone commando that day and it took him only a few seconds to pull on his jeans and t-shirt. Syed left the office to unload the van, and to get away from Christian´s smug face. He was replaced by Masood.

"Christian! What are you doing here?"

"Oh, just keeping Syed company," replied Christian following him into the kitchen. "You know what they say, a happy worker is a…"

"An _unproductive_ one by the looks of things. Syed," he addressed the man coming back down the stairs laden with utensils. "He hasn´t been distracting you, has he?" Masood spoke in his familiarly jokey manner but Syed looked uncomfortable.

"No, of course not. He´s leaving now anyway."

Christian gave Masood a very contrived apologetic look followed by a smirk. Masood did a metaphorical eye-roll. "Oh I see, whilst the rest of us are out slaving our guts, you two are in here larking about…"

Masood went to the store cupboard and left in his place was the image of an attractive young couple kissing, big smiles on their faces. "Amira! Let me put these down before I drop them…"

A knot rose in Christian´s throat and the blood rushed to his head. He was already away, rushing past Amira and barging past Syed, knocking him against the metal shelves in his desperation to get out of there. Had his head been clearer, he would have stopped to see if he was OK but before he knew it, he had strode past Tamwar and was shutting the door to his flat behind him, bending over his table to catch his breath.

Finally, grudgingly, thoughts were allowed to return to his head. Amira. Amira! He hated her even though she´d done nothing wrong. He hated her stupid blissful ignorance. She didn´t deserve Syed – his by virtue of being born female. Syed didn´t even like her and yet she got to go to bed with him _every night_. She had his parents´ blessing and got to declare her love to the world. What was _that_ like?

He swallowed hard and shook his head – he´d seen them together a thousand times but this afternoon had thrown him into a false sense of security. He´d felt that euphoria coursing through his veins at the fact that he, Christian Clarke, was with the love of his life – the rarity that it was. He´d gotten so excited, he´d forgotten _just for a moment_ the real state of play. And when he was rudely reminded, the blow was all the bigger for it.

Suddenly, the buzzer rang. He tried to ignore it but it was incessant. He lifted the receiver and waited for the inevitable anger on the other end.

"Christian. Let me up." He didn´t know what to say to Syed, what to do anymore, but he buzzed him in and opened the door in anticipation.

Syed slammed the door behind him and immediately launched into a tirade. "What do you think you were doing? I´ve got everyone asking me about you; Amira, Tam, _Dad!_ You haven´t thought, have you, that this might just get back to Mum and then what?! You just…"

"Alright , Syed!" exclaimed Christian, putting his hands up to silence him. "I wasn´t thinking."

"You got that right! Could you have made it any more obvious?!"

"I only reacted like that because of the way I feel about you," he protested.

"Yeah, well I can´t afford to take that risk. We´re trying for a _family,_ Christian!"

Any mention of offspring was like a dagger to the heart, this time no exception. He was in pain, unable to conjure words.

Syed turned to leave. "Just stop interfering with my life, OK Christian?"

"What _life_?"

And with that, Syed left.


	4. Chapter 4

It had been a week since Christian had seen Syed and he´d gone through the whole range of emotions multiple times. No one cared how he was; his family had been strangely aloof. He had been quieter than his usual self at work but then the Mitchells had always been an egocentric bunch. He was dealing with this all on his own and, although he found it hard to admit, he felt really alone.

What made it worse was that he knew Syed was going through a similar struggle. He just hoped he was being given neither the time nor space to hurt. Then again, Christian didn´t want him to be able to run away from, or ignore, the truth. The truth was Syed loved him. It was fact. It was clear as day. It was _right_. If only Syed could see that for himself. Urgh, it was so frustrating!

He gave in. He called Syed´s phone but as there was no reply, he would have to go down to the unit himself. He didn´t know precisely what it was he wanted to say, nor why this time should be any different to the other failed attempts to win Syed round but he had to see him. He knew that sometimes it was just about catching him in the right mood. A week ago, he wasn´t saying no. He had to take a chance.

He opened the door to the unit and almost clattered into Zainab who was on her way out. They stood just inside the doorway, her giving him the iciest of stares. "Yes?"

"Listen Zainab, I don´t want any trouble."

"Then why are you here?" she snapped.

"I´m looking for Jane."

"Like you were last week, I suppose?"

Right, thought Christian, she knew. But what did she know? Just that he´d been at the unit. It wasn´t a crime. Neither was sleeping with her son for that matter. He stood firm. "OK, I was looking for Syed. Is here in there?"

"You think I would tell _you_?"

Urgh, thought Christian, the woman was incorrigible. "We´re friends, Zainab – I´ve got nothing to hide," he said defiantly. He wasn´t going to let himself be bullied by her anymore.

She paused and then laughed one of those curious laughs that made Christian uneasy. "Nothing to hide, eh? The tell me, why are you looking for him? For a friendly chat, I suppose?"

"Yes, actually."

"Well he doesn´t need you for that."

"Actually, Zainab, he does."

"Oh, you are an arrogant man!" She was suddenly irate. Christian half-expected fire to breathe from her nostrils.

"Arrogant, Zainab? You´re a fine one to talk – thinking you can control your son´s heart, as well as his head."

"How dare you speak to me like that!"

"How dare you speak to _me_ like that!"

"What´s going on?" Syed had presumably heard their argument escalate from the kitchen and it was Christian and Zainab´s turn to feel like the naughty schoolchildren. Neither rushed to protest their innocence upon danger of sounding the mouthiest and accused as perpetrator. It was a trait they shared, letting their mouths run away with them, but it was no way to win over Syed and both so wished to have him onside.

"We were just talking, Pappu," said Zainab, delicately.

Syed looked from his mother to Christian, waiting for him to challenge this clearly false statement. Christian in turn looked at Syed, waiting for him to call his mother on her lie but he just seemed to stand there and accept it. She really did have a grip on him, didn´t she? He gave Syed an incredulous look and left mother and son to consolidate whatever messed up relationship it was that they had.

* * *

Christian sat in the square wondering where he´d gone wrong. He began to think that there was a dark dynamic underlying the Masood family. Is this how things worked with them: Zainab protects the family name from shame and judgement and Syed protects his mother from any outsider that should question her method or motive? What a pair! He replaced his ill-feeling towards Amira with pity. The poor girl didn´t know what she was up against. Was anyone in that family actually happy?

"Christian."

Christian didn´t have the will to acknowledge Syed, not after all that had gone on. He was joined on the bench and could see Syed fidget in his peripheral vision. It was quite clear after a few seconds that Syed didn´t know what to say but Christian didn´t help him. He was seething – with Syed, with Zainab, with himself for letting it get this far.

"I…"

"Save it, Syed."

"Mum shouldn´t have spoken to you like that."

"It´s not your mother´s reaction to me I´m bothered about. In fact, I´m not bothered about anything anymore so run along now, be a good boy." Each word dripped with resentment.

"I´m sorry, OK? I never meant for it turn out like this."

"Well, it has, so why don´t you get back to mummy before she…"

"Stop it! Stop it, Christian. And will you _look_ at me!" Christian couldn´t bring himself to look at him – it was hatred he felt, for real this time. Hatred.

Syed tried again. "Christian, can we at least go back to your flat? I need to talk to you."

"For fuck sake! To say what, huh?" To say _what_?!" He´d gotten to his feet, his voice carrying a little more than he´d wanted and people were staring.

His anger then carried his legs towards his flat and, once inside, he kicked anything that would smash until all his fury was a thousand pieces of glass and ceramic on the floor. He sat amongst it all crying his eyes out, eventually exhausting himself into an uneasy sleep.


	5. Chapter 5

Christian woke up feeling awful, like he was hungover. He lifted his head to see what he had done in a fit of rage the night before and groaned. He couldn't stomach repairing the damage to his flat today, nor clearing up. He checked his phone and saw he had four missed calls, two voicemails and a text from Syed. He didn't really want to know what the messages said but he didn't want to move either so he decided to read the text.

'Please Christian, let me talk to you. We need to talk. X'

Nothing to say, thought Christian. He called his answer phone. Syed sounded distressed, like he´d been crying. His message wasn´t too coherent and it was littered with sighs and gulps.

"Christian, you don´t… I haven´t, it´s not how you think. Call me. Please. I´m sorry, I´m really…" His voice trailed off. Next new message. He sounded a bit more composed now.

"Hi, it´s me. I just wanted to say… you don´t know, and you couldn´t have known, how much I´ve wanted to see you these past few days. I just… I really want to talk to you. I know you´re upset. I don´t blame you. But I need to see you. Please."

Christian didn´t quite know what to think. He heard the pain in Syed´s voice and it broke his heart. He wanted to go to him, of course he did – to put his arms around him and make everything OK.

But he couldn´t. He couldn´t make everything OK because it wasn´t. It was long past the stage where he sought confirmation of Syed´s love for him. That wasn´t the issue here. It was convincing him that their love was pure. That it was good, and right, and in no way wrong to act upon. That it´s expression was something beautiful. Not dirty. Not a sin. Not an abomination. But he was impossible to get through to.

Sometimes he couldn´t bear the thought that Syed rejected what was at the very core of him. Being gay was a huge part of his life – it was who he was – and Syed thought it was wrong. That hurt him. He wanted Syed to know just how much.

He sighed. Did Syed not see that by thinking that being gay was some sort of awful curse, he made him feel painfully small? The part of himself that he hated was intrinsic to Christian; it made him feel like he hated _him_. Did Syed not know all of this?

Christian suddenly reached for his phone and dialled Syed´s number. He was going to show him. He was going to let him see for himself. Syed picked up. "Christian?"

"Come to the flat."

* * *

Syed knocked on the front door. Christian was hesitant. He´d be making himself really vulnerable by doing this – he wondered if it was too late to back out. The sound of his name came through the door. He remained rooted to the spot. Would he just look pathetic? Oh, what had he done! Syed called his name again. "I know you´re in there. You left downstairs open for me."

Christian sighed a sigh of resignation and opened the door. At first, Syed looked just at his face – saw that he looked tired, old. But also embarrassed? And was that fear he saw in Christian´s eyes? His attention turned to what was behind Christian. It looked like a hurricane had hit. What?? He looked back at Christian who was looking past him and down to the floor. What should he say?

"Are you OK, Christian?"

Christian swallowed. "Maybe you shouldn´t be here, Syed."

Syed ignored him and brushed past to get into the flat. What he saw amazed him. Furniture overturned, ornaments shattered. There was a lot of glass on the floor; the source soon became obvious. Rows of empty wine bottles lined the kitchen surfaces, two bottles of whisky sat empty next to the bed – there were glasses here and there. He couldn´t believe it.

"Christian?"

Christian couldn´t speak. He now hadn´t a clue as to why this had seemed like a good idea, showing Syed the state he was in. He felt like he was having one of those dreams where you were naked in public, totally exposed. He´d rarely felt this uncomfortable in all his life. Couldn´t Syed just go now?

Syed´s concern grew. "Christian, I had no idea." He was reminded of when Christian had been suffering from post-traumatic stress – when he´d needed looking after – except this ran so much deeper than someone beating him up. "Have I done this, Christian? Was it me?"

Christian couldn´t let him say that, though perhaps it was true. He wouldn´t hear ill of Syed, not even in his own head. Not now that his head was no longer clouded by rage. Not now that the bitterness had left him and what stood before him was this beautiful, vulnerable man who had no need for the insecurity that racked him. He locked eyes with him and pulled his hand to bring him closer, back into the doorway and away from the mess.

"It´s not about blame." He brought him into a hug and felt calm for the first time in days. They stood there in an embrace for what seemed like ages, lost in time. Christian was barely aware of it. He spent his days wanting to hold Syed and then when it came around, he was too exhausted to fully soak up the experience.

Syed broke their embrace. "Come on. Let´s get your flat in order."

Christian winced. "No, really. I´ll sort it. It´s… embarrassing really."

"Don´t be silly." He watched Christian make another face. "Maybe I just want to spend time with you."

* * *

They spent the next half hour or so clearing up the flat, Syed deciding against commenting whenever he picked up another empty bottle or when he found a photo of him crumpled on the floor. It was a group photo from the East London Business Awards, Christian being a glaring omission. He must have got it from Jane, thought Syed. Then he realised for all that had gone on between them, there wasn´t a single photo of the two of them. He looked a bit sad.

"What´s wrong?" asked Christian.

"Oh, nothing," said Syed, resetting his face.

"I think we´re pretty much done here – shall we sit down for a bit?"

Christian made them coffees and sat down next to Syed on the sofa. He wanted to say thanks for his help today but still couldn´t bring himself to in the event that he be forced to explain himself. He didn´t want to stay quiet though in case Syed´s mind was on it. It´s just… he didn´t know what to say. His usual confidence had been shaken by the events of the last twenty-four hours. Syed then took him by surprise by pulling him into him, aiming his camera phone at them and taking a photo.

"There!" He smiled, proud of himself.

"What?"

"Now we have a photo of us."

Christian looked at him like he was insane.

Syed ignored him and checked out the picture. "Aw, you look cute in it too!"

Christian snatched the phone off him and grimaced. "I look atrocious."

"Don´t be such a drama queen!"

"Drama queen?!" Christian laughed but then felt immediately uncomfortable as it dawned on him that Syed was thinking about the same thing as him; the melodrama that was trashing his flat – or at least that´s how it seemed now, now that he was calm again. He dared to look at Syed hoping he wouldn´t find the look he did – a look of sympathy. His gaze faltered. Then he felt a hand on his chin.

They looked into each other´s eyes: Christian´s were unsure; unsure where this was leading. Syed´s were unsure too; unsure where to make the move he desperately wanted to. Almost imperceptibly, they edged closer and closer until their lips met, kissing gently, as if in slow motion. Their tongues touched shyly, briefly – the momentum not getting carried away with itself.

Syed´s lips then went on the explore, knowing very well their destination. Christian´s had apparently received a similar brief, the only drawback being that Syed found the idea so agreeable that Christian found himself lone receiver again after not long at all.


	6. Chapter 6

It had been two days since Syed had spent the day at Christian´s flat. Christian was helping Jane out at the caf as she was in and out all day running family errands. She returned from dropping Bobby to school after the dentist and saw her brother joking about with some of the customers.

"Someone´s happy!" she said, smiling gratefully.

"I know, who´d have thought it being stuck in here?" he said rubbing her shoulders.

"What´s brought this on?"

"Oh, you know…" Christian was usually good at coming up with some witty insert to help him evade such questions, so to Jane – who knew him better than anyone – his response was a dead giveaway.

"Christian, you haven't…?"

Christian didn´t even care to deny it. He stood there for a moment trying hard to find an explanation as to why his sister couldn´t just be happy for him, or at the very least support him. Who else did he have in this world to stand by him in all this? He couldn´t fathom why people were so in favour of standing in the way of true love. This wasn´t some sordid affair like everyone had made it out to be – this wasn´t even about a heart being in two minds. He loved Syed and Syed loved him back. Only him.

"So what if I have, Jane? I´m so sick of being the only one who´s not allowed to be happy."

"Happy, Christian? This…" she lowered her voice. "This whole thing has made you miserable. Even I can see that."

"Oh really? So where have you been, Jane? Why haven´t you been there for me?"

Jane faltered. "There´s been a lot going on, Christian."

"And yet you´re always there to criticise me at a moment´s notice." He tended to a customer quickly and returned to her. "All I know is that Syed is the only one putting a smile on my face at the moment."

"For how long, Christian? Haven´t you learnt anything from this whole thing? I know you. I know you´re not one to play second best."

"Well maybe it won´t be that way for much longer."

"Who are you kidding, Christian?"

Jane suddenly became distracted, saving Christian from acknowledging the truth in her words. He turned around and saw why. It was Zainab, a face like thunder.

"Can I speak to you outside, Christian?"

"He´s working, Zainab."

"I´m sure you can cope for two minutes, Jane."

"Um, don´t start throwing your weight around in here! He´ll speak to you later."

"No I won´t," said Christian, finally entering the conversation.

Zainab struggled to remain civil. "Still think you can do whatever you want, don´t you? No thought for anyone else, as long as you´re happy."

Jane opened her mouth to protest but Christian held his hand up to silence her. "No thought for anyone else? He checked his voice and continued in a loud whisper. "You´re the one forcing your son to live a lie. You´re the one using Amira as a pawn in these detestable games of yours."

"Games? I am thinking of Syed and what´s best for him."

"Best for him or best for you?"

They all stayed silent for a moment whilst another customer came along, staring at each other like hawks, no love lost between them.

Zainab waited until they left. "He has something good going for him at the moment. I am not going to let you ruin that."

"Something good? Like what?"

"Like a pregnant wife." …

She smirked knowing the hurt she´d inflicted. Christian´s chest tightened, he could barely breathe. He felt bile rise in his throat and his head swam. Yet Zainab twisted the knife further; "He´s going to have what you could never give him."

Jane leapt in, fuming. "You _nasty_ woman. I´m sick of you using biological parenthood against us like we´re second class citizens. He is ten times the person you´ll ever be. Now get out."

Zainab left, a glint still detectable in her eye. Jane turned to her brother who was on the verge of collapse – lungs barely taking in air, tears clouding his eyes. Suddenly, Christian´s world went black.


	7. Chapter 7

Christian had gone out every night since he received that terrible news four days ago, despite having fainted. Jane had berated him saying he should look after himself but in his eyes, that was exactly what he was doing by going out. He wasn´t going to let himself mope. He´d already wasted too much time being a fool for Syed. He´d been totally played – he saw that now. Last night, for the second night in a row, he´d brought someone back to the flat – Juan? No, Javi. He knew it was something Spanish. He was a breath of fresh air – such a positive attitude to life. Christian hoped he might stick around for a while so that it would rub off.

He cancelled another phone call from Syed. Was the man stupid? Bringing a baby into a loveless marriage – it was feckless, not to mention selfish.

Javi was fully dressed and ready to go but Christian pulled him back to bed.

"I think you should stay a few minutes longer."

"I´m tarde already, guapo."

"I´ll assume that´s Spanish for ´yes´," teased Christian.

He managed, using his very special powers of persuasion, to get Javi to stay for a while longer and got him to agree to come back in the evening. He was a welcome distraction and not only that – for once Christian wasn´t with someone in the hope of making Syed jealous but because he genuinely had chemistry with them.

He had a shower and headed out to get a late breakfast in before work. As he walked from his flat to the caf, he bumped into Syed, literally.

"Sorry," said Syed, although apparently he was in a bad mood.

Christian dithered for a second, wondering if it was more awkward to say something back or to ignore him and continue on. Syed got in first though.

"Why have you been ignoring me? I thought…"

"_You thought_ you had me no matter what." He walked off in a huff, and into the caf.

"Breakfast please, Jane." His scowl rivalled that of a pantomime villain.

"What´s up with you?" Christian gave her a look to fob her off but she continued. "Syed was just in here looking for you. Don´t worry, I told him where to go."

"It just doesn´t make any sense, Jane," he said, following her around the kitchen whilst she made his breakfast. "Surely he would have mentioned it to me?"

"Obviously not. Look, I dunno why you´re still whining about this when I saw Brad Pitt leave your flat this morning."

Christian grinned. "Javi."

"Ooh, he has a name! You must like him!"

* * *

Christian met Javi at the station and took him to the Vic. He took great delight in seeing Roxy and Chelsea´s jaws drop, and in teasing them further by stroking his leg and giving him little kisses in full view of them. He was like a cat marking his territory, and he was taking great delight in it. It was refreshing to be able to act naturally, he had to admit.

He went up to the bar when Amira joined him from out of nowhere. "Congratulations!" they both said simultaneously. Christian looked at her quizzically.

"For that hunk over there! He could be a model."

There was a twinkle in Christian´s eye. "He is. Well, it´s on the backburner for a bit whilst he´s studying."

"Studying?" She gave him a naughty look. "How old is he?"

Christian didn´t want to answer. It was younger than he cared to admit. Chelsea had overheard the last part of their conversation, however, and joined in. "He _is_ legal?"

Well, he couldn´t let them think otherwise. "Yes, of course he is! He´s twenty-one… next month. I know, alright? Talk about mid-life crisis…"

Chelsea dismissed him. "A crisis would be turning him down."

"I so _would!_" said Amira, giggling.

Christian pushed down the bitterness trying to consume him and kept smiling. "You´ve got Syed."

"Syed who´s meant to be here by now. At least your guy shows up!"

"Well I´d better keep him company then. Anyway, congratulations again, Amira."

"What for?"

"For the bun in the oven."

"What bun in the oven?"

"Zainab told me."

Amira rolled her eyes and smiled. "Zainab´s wishful thinking."

What? She´d lied? He couldn´t justify the shock he felt because it sounded like something she would do, but that was beyond even the cruellest things she´d said to him before. All the taunting she had done since she´d found out about the two of them; it paled in comparison. He downed his drink and ordered another, nursing it as he sat with Javi, completely distracted. After a minute or two though, he snapped himself out of it and he was glad he did – Javi was coming out with the most wonderful stuff, and his broken English gave it an added charm.

"People say I no can use my degree. I think shut up my mother is very good use."

He was drawn back in and didn´t even notice that Amira eventually had to give up waiting for Syed and go home. He´d found someone he liked and could be out of the closet with. Better yet, and he scolded himself for thinking it, maybe he still had a future with his boyfriend.


	8. Chapter 8

The next day, after a very satisfying night, he went on the search for Syed. He had to talk to him – ask him how he thought he could bring a baby into all of this, that it would destroy so many lives… and all hope. He´d rang him but he hadn´t answered. Typical, he thought. He spends the last few days not leaving him alone and the minute he needs to speak to him, there´s no response.

He knew Masala Queen was closed today and that Zainab was on the stall. He´d passed her on his way to the Masood house and they hadn´t been able to resist sniping at each other.

"Jump the gun, Zainab?" He wasn´t smug, he was furious.

"No. It was a false alarm but we all know it´s only a matter of time. There had to be _grounds_ to believe it, Christian."

"Yeah, well no one asked you, so keep your fantasies to yourself next time."

"I´m not the one clinging onto fantasies."

It was only Tamwar coming to help out at the stall that cut their bickering short or else they could have gone on forever, both of them unable to resist the need to have the last word.

Christian had walked into Jane´s house just so he did not arouse suspicion, but simply used it as a through-route to get to the Square. A few moments later he was knocking at Syed´s front door. Masood answered.

"Christian!"

"Hi. Is Syed in?"

"Yeah, let me just call him. Come in." He called up the stairs to Syed and ushered Christian into the living room. "So, is everything alright with you? Last time I saw you…"

"Oh, yeah, I´m sorry about that, Mas. I don´t know what came over me."

"We were a little worried about you, that´s all."

Christian was surprised he wasn´t angry, seeing as he´d knocked his son into the shelving unit. But perhaps he wasn´t aware, having been in the storeroom at the time.

Christian turned around to see baby Kamil half-asleep on a quilt on the sofa. "He´s gorgeous – looks a lot better not covered in gunk."

Masood smiled. "Yeah, I´d better put him to sleep upstairs. Take this with me," he said, using the baby monitor as if it were a walkie-talkie and he were a US Marine.

"Ooh, that´s a good look, Mas," Christian joked, smiling naughtily. Mas left with Kamil just as Syed came in.

"What are you doing at my house?" His expression was neutral and hard to read.

"I came to see you. Look, the last few days… there´s been some… miscommunication."

"What, you not answering my calls? I´d say so." He sounded a bit annoyed but this turned into a shy uncertainty. "I thought we… I thought we were good?"

"Your mother told me Amira was pregnant."

"What?!"

"And then I panicked. I was devastated. I thought I´d lost you." His voice was shaky, fearful. "_If_ she were to get pregnant, Sy, that would have to be the end of you and me. I don´t want that to happen." It was a plea.

Syed looked into the distance contemplating what had just been said. He looked pretty frightened himself. Christian reached for Syed´s neck and pulled him towards him but was met with resistance.

"No, Amira´s upstairs."

Christian didn´t argue. "I´ve missed you, y´know? Not being able to kiss you these past few days.

"I´ve missed you too. I didn´t know why you wouldn´t speak to me – I was scared that maybe you didn´t… feel that way anymore."

"Of course I do, Sy! I lo…" He was cut short by Masood entering the room. He had a frighteningly stern look on his face. Christian was confused for a second before he noticed the baby monitor in Masood´s hand. He must have taken the wrong one upstairs with him. It meant he´d heard everything.


	9. Chapter 9

A look of horror came over Christian but it was nothing compared to the sheer terror in Syed´s eyes. Christian had been able to afford a glance at Syed for Masood´s glare was now exclusively aimed at his son. The baby started crying through the monitor and, after a minute, Masood finally gave in.

His words were painstakingly slow. "I´m going to get Kamil to sleep. When I come back down," his eyes shifted to Christian, "I want you gone, so I can speak to my son alone."

He went upstairs but the pair stood rooted to the spot. After a few seconds, Christian found the capacity to speak.

"Sy, I…" He couldn´t yet make sense though. The shock had removed all logic and practicality from his brain. "What are we gonna do?"

It wasn´t even a question, for there was no way Syed could be expected to answer: he´d brought his hands up to his face and tears were streaming from his eyes. Christian reached out to him and put his hand on his arm, getting the distinct impression that the only reason Syed hadn´t rejected it was because he couldn´t move. They heard Masood come back down the stairs with the baby in his arms and Christian thought better than to leave his hand on Syed.

Masood saw that Christian was still there and, turning to his son, spoke quietly. "Right. Well then Syed, _you´d_ better go." Syed still couldn´t move, or speak. Masood spoke again. "Unless you want Amira to hear this, you´d better go right now and take her with you."

Christian nodded at Syed who finally found the strength in his legs to act upon his father´s advice. Whilst Syed was upstairs, presumably waiting for Amira to put on her face and shoes, Masood addressed Christian – again in a very soft voice.

"When they´re gone, we´ll sit down and talk about this quietly so there´s no danger of waking up my son."

Christian had always seen Masood as a friend and equal rather than the authority figure he was to Syed, but the eerie calm in his voice acted as warning enough and Christian did not dare go against him.

It was almost ten minutes before the young pair were out of the door. In the meantime, both men had sat in silence – Masood on the sofa with his baby in his arms and Christian on the footrest. It had felt like hours and Christian had never felt so uncomfortable in all his life.

The front door shut and Masood spoke, his voice barely audible. "So, do you want to tell me what this all about?"

"First off, Mas, I just wanna say…"

"How about you just tell me what´s going on? The advantage of having you here and not Syed is that I may actually hear the truth."

"OK." Should he go chronologically? Get the main points out? "Syed´s gay, Mas. … He´s gay and we´re a couple."

Masood´s face was free of expression but Christian could tell he was digesting the news. He could tell he must have a thousand questions racing through his brain and maybe he didn´t know where to begin either.

"We´ve been together since June. It just… happened." Masood remained quiet so he carried on. "We ended things before the wedding though – Syed wanted to make his marriage work. It´s only recently that… things have changed."

Masood exhaled. "He´s just a young man, Christian. He´s a young man and you… well, you know what you´re doing."

Masood gave him a look daring him to read between the lines. This wasn´t the reaction Christian was expecting. He didn´t know quite how to respond. "What are you saying? That I´ve taken advantage of him? There´s…"

Christian wanted to tell him that Syed had slept with others before him, that he hadn´t made him gay, but instead his words got stuck. He was being blamed, _again_. Christian _contra mundum_! He felt the frustration like someone who had been framed for murder, desperate to convince otherwise but unable to.

Masood used the silence. "I understand you´re both adults. But, you see, with Syed, he gets all these ideas in his head. He´s like a puppy really…" Oh great, thought Christian, I´ve corrupted innocence itself. "He gets excited by one idea and dedicates enthusiasm to it – next minute he´s pursuing something else."

Christian just did not get Masood´s wavelength. Was he suggesting that he was a blip? A corruptive, evil blip? Masood went on…

"Maybe you _have_ managed to charm him, seduce him – we know it comes easily to you…" Christian was despairing. Yes, this was all just a bit of fun to him. _Twisted fun_, as Zainab had put it. "But even if Syed _has_ been with you, he now has a beautiful wife and maybe soon he´ll have a child. You expect you´ll be able to compete with that?"

If only Masood knew. Christian had been struggling to compete with it from day one. And he was still failing. But that was beside the point. What didn´t Masood understand here?

"He´s _gay_, Mas. If you´d seen how much he´s been struggling with it, you´d soon realise it´s not something he takes lightly. I think he´d give his right arm not to be."

"And Amira?"

"He´s not in love with her."

"So why is he with her? Why did he marry her? How are they still together now, trying to extend their family?"

"Because he´s scared!"

"That´s reason enough, is it?!" Masood checked his voice as he glanced down at Kamil.

"Not in my eyes, no. I haven´t wanted all of this. I wanted him to end it with her from the start."

Masood was lost in thought for a few seconds. "Christian – forgive me if this sounds too personal, but I don´t want to see you with Syed anymore."

"He doesn´t love Amira, Mas, he _can´t_."

"OK, so maybe he is gay. Maybe he is. But I don´t want him with you."

Christian stared at him, aghast. "Why not me?"

"Because you have betrayed this family, because you´re far too old for him, because your lifestyle is an insult to Islam and I´m not just talking about the obvious."

"What if I told you that we were in love?"

Suddenly, a flash of belligerence flitted across Masood´s face. "Don´t push my buttons, Christian!"

"It´s true, Masood! I´m in love with Syed and maybe if we hadn´t had to have kept it a secret, people could see that what we have is something really beautiful!"

Masood gave Christian a warning with regards to keeping his voice down and then spoke once again in a low voice. "So no one knows about this?"

Christian shifted in his seat. "Lucy knows. Jane." He took a long pause. "And Zainab."

Masood looked at him in disbelief. "Zee knows?"

Christian nodded as if confirming a fatality.

"Since when?"

"The day of the wedding. I told her before the ceremony."

Masood sat there stroking his chin for a while, clearly taking everything in. "Will you go now, Christian?"

Christian got up and turned to leave when Masood stopped him. "And Christian… if you touch my son again, I won´t be responsible for my actions."


	10. Chapter 10

Christian walked around town for a while replaying his conversation with Masood over and over in his head. He couldn´t work him out. Had he accepted Syed was gay or not? Had he believed him? He had been disappointed, hurt, to be blamed for the whole thing but he wasn´t surprised - it was exactly what Zainab and Jane had done. But Masood had made him out to be something really sinister, like he´d forced himself upon Syed. He thought back to what Zainab had said to him the day of the wedding – that he was sick, and perverted, that he had been predatory – but that was her bark, these were words screamed in the heat of the moment. Masood´s words had stung more because Christian sensed he knew exactly what he was saying and, above all, he´d made sure it was clear what he was implying.

Christian felt that, yet again, all depth to his and Syed´s relationship had been ignored. Everyone seemed to think this was all a game to him, that he´d instigated this all for fun, for the thrill of the chase. If only they knew. He knew this whole thing had taken its toll on Syed more than him, but all this blame, all this ill-feeling toward him, it was hard to shoulder and sometimes he felt really isolated by it.

He called Syed.

"Sy, you need to come to the flat."

"I don´t think that´s the best idea."

"Don´t you want to know what your father said?"

"Can´t you tell me over the phone?"

"No, I need to see you!" Christian´s eyes were filling up. Masood´s words were setting in and he was feeling desperate. Please come, he thought, I need you.

"I´m with Amira though."

"Make something up, Sy. This is important."

* * *

He opened his front door, Syed almost falling inside. He could tell he was highly agitated and tried to calm him down.

"Let me make you some tea…"

"Tea, Christian?! My dad knows about us! My life is over!"

"Look, he doesn´t blame you, alright?!" Christian took a deep breath to calm himself. "He thinks I took advantage of you… that it´s my fault."

"Well, that´s ridiculous."

"And there was me thinking you dad was more enlightened…"

"What´s he going to do?" Syed looked frightened.

"I dunno. I suspect he´s talking to your mother as we speak. He found out that she knew… I don´t think it went down too well."

"And Amira? Is he going to tell her?"

Christian had been wondering the same thing. At first, he´d assumed so. But some of the things Masood had said had made him doubt himself: that he "couldn´t compete" with Syed´s ´real´ family and that Syed´s interest in him would pass. That if Christian left him alone from now on, Syed would happily return to married life. Christian didn´t necessarily want to relay these things to Syed, however, in case he sought comfort in his father´s words.

"I don´t know." Christian sounded exasperated. He secretly thought Masood finding out was a good thing as it would force everything out into the open and force Syed to confront his demons. His voice became bitter. "It would surprise me if he wanted in on this conspiracy of silence."

"Conspiracy of silence?" said Syed, clearly annoyed.

"Yes, Syed, you heard. This is the perfect opportunity to face facts, yet here you are still hoping you can go on with your lies – that everyone will work together to keep Amira in the dark."

"Excuse me but I´m not lying! You just can´t accept that I chose a life with Amira over you!"

"You chose safety over real love!"

"What I have with Amira is real love!"

"Then why are you still with me?!"

By now, they were screaming at each other. Christian´s face was flushed purple; tears of rage streamed from Syed´s eyes. Neither could look at the other as their lungs worked tirelessly to vent nine months of frustration and heartache.

After almost a minute had passed, Christian looked up at Syed who returned the gesture, spent thought he was. Christian went over to him and yanked him into a crushing embrace. Syed couldn´t have been held tight enough – he could barely feel, but slowly, with Christian´s help, the warmth returned to his body and he needed him like oxygen.

The pair kissed like it would be their last time, falling onto the sofa and making it almost tip over. Denim soon became skin, skin soon became soaked in two men´s sweat. Syed´s nails drew blood on Christian´s back, Christian bit hard into Syed´s neck; excruciating pleasure. Christian threw Syed onto his front and drove into him, every thrust expressing the sentiments that words failed to capture.


	11. Chapter 11

It had been two days. What was going on? Christian had seen neither hide nor hair of Syed since he´d left his flat to go back home at Masood´s request. He´d left afraid, afraid of what his father had to say to him and whether he would be made to tell Amira the truth.

Until the call had come, Syed had been wilfully restless, trying to soak up as much as Christian as possible. He´d been laying on his chest – his ear a stethoscope to Christian´s strong heartbeat, his cheek nestled in his chest hair – but he´d abandoned this, needing to look at him, taste him, touch him. They´d played together, silly little games for the senses. They were discovering each other all over again. It was bliss but for the dark undertone of reality threatening to invade at any time. And with a phone call, it did.

Since then, Christian had checked his phone incessantly for word from Syed, but none had come. He couldn´t imagine what was being said – he´d given up trying to second guess the Masoods. He had resisted the temptation to call unless this got Syed in more trouble but he was going out of his mind not knowing if he was ok.

Javi had called in by surprise and Christian wasn´t going to be heartless and turn him away. He tried to block out everything that was going on and enjoy Javi´s company. It kind of worked. It was difficult not to delight in his perfect body, his youthful confidence and his charming philosophies on life. He was unafraid, perhaps fortunate in life not to have suffered the fates which aged others, Christian included. Sometimes Christian felt old beyond his years but Javi helped him to feel young, like he was being given a new lease of life, the opportunity to start again.

Christian was laughing at one of Javi´s schoolboy anecdotes about a teacher he´d slept with to make grade, and how he charmingly described him as ´near to the death´.

"I hope you don´t say those things about me!"

"No, I mean _really_ old. With the grey hair there," he said, pointing at Christian crotch before giving it his undivided attention. Christian lay back on his pillow, enjoying the feeling and for the first time in days truly forgetting any outside pressures. That was until, timely as ever, his phone rang.

"Sy, what´s up??" he said, sitting up quickly and politely gesturing for Javi to stop.

"Are you free later?"

"Yeah, course. Are you ok?! I´ve been worried sick!"

"I´m fine. I´ll come round in an hour or so, yeah?"

"Yeah, ok."

Christian was little confused. Syed didn´t sound upset or anxious – in fact he sounded really casual. What had gone on?

"Javi, I´m gonna need to go out soon…" he said, dropping the hint but knowing Javi was impossible to offend.

"OK," he said sweetly. "But I finish first." He gave the cheekiest of smiles and Christian fell back onto his pillow unable to resist.

* * *

He let Syed in and was surprised to see him walk straight past him and into the flat as if it were just another day.

"So?? What did they say? What happened? Does Amira know?"

"It´s ok, Christian. It´s ok, see?"

"See what?"

"I´m here, aren´t I?" Christian looked befuddled. "I´m here so what does that tell you?"

Christian half-smiled, not knowing whether he´d interpreted him correctly. "You mean…?" His smile widened but quivered waiting for confirmation. Was Syed really telling him that they could be together now?

Syed kissed Christian and took his jacket and t-shirt off but Christian was no longer smiling. Something was wrong. Syed´s actions were… mechanical, somehow. He took his jeans off and kissed Christian´s neck but it was clear his motivation was neither love nor passion.

"Syed, stop."

"Just let me have this one, Christian."

"Sy…"

Syed shut him up; his lips had found passion and though at first Christian was sure this was contrived, he understood that Syed was pleading with him to accede to his demands. He returned Syed´s kiss with a lust he hoped was contagious and immediately found it reciprocated with gratitude.

* * *

Syed lay in Christian´s arms slowly drifting off to sleep but Christian shuffled deliberately to keep him awake. He had to know what had gone on.

"So are you gonna tell me what happened?"

"We can be together."

"Just like that?" said Christian, getting annoyed that Syed would not give a comprehensible answer.

"We can see each other as much as we like."

Christian was struggling to contain his frustration. Something was amiss. Would Syed please just tell him! "But?"

Syed stroked Christian´s chest soothingly and placed his mouth over Christian´s nipple, sucking it gently but like a baby trying for milk. Christian was torn between concern and arousal.

"Sy…"

Syed carried on but slid his hand down from Christian´s chest, past his stomach and started rubbing him. Christian could see he was not going to get much out of him right now.

"Ok, Sy, then maybe just…" – the arousal was getting strong – "just an overview."

Syed made his way down Christian´s body leaving a trail of kisses. He stopped where he was needed, looked up at Christian with a grin on his face and said, "Or… you could put _this_ in your boyfriend´s mouth."

Christian gladly obliged. Boyfriend? Boyfriend. Finally.


	12. Chapter 12

It was Christian´s understanding that although Syed had said what he had, they were not a couple in the traditional sense. Not yet, anyway. Syed returned to his house and Christian didn´t ask. He would have liked to but Syed was being so evasive, it wouldn´t have made any difference. Christian was cautiously happy – whatever the situation in the Masood household, Syed had seemed to come to accept their relationship.

He didn´t know if, for the next few days, it was to be an unwritten rule that he just didn´t ask about the ins and outs of how things would happen now. It was true to say that Syed showed no sign of filling Christian in when he came round to his flat the next morning.

"I have to be at work soon," said Christian.

"Me too. I was just… dropping by." He smiled.

"To tell me something?" Christian suggested hopefully.

"Guess again." He put his hands on Christian´s chest, giving a hint which wasn´t needed.

"Y´know, now that we´re together, properly, we can go out, do stuff."

"I´d really like that. But we can´t do that right now, can we?"

* * *

Christian arrived at work contented, not simply by his morning nookie but by the fact that Syed was now open to being out in public – although Christian didn´t imagine or expect this would extend to being out locally. But Syed had made strides recently and he really did appreciate it.

He rang Syed on his break to arrange to go out later.

"Hey, hold on…" He took about thirty seconds to answer the phone again. "Hey Christian."

"So what do you fancy doing tonight?"

"Oh, er, I can´t do tonight."

"Oh… I thought we were gonna do something," said Christian, confused.

"Yeah, we can. Just not tonight. We´re having this big meal… you know."

"Oh, ok. Everything is ok though? We´re still…?"

"Christian, don´t you know me by now? I don´t throw words around. We can go out tomorrow."

"I´ll call ya."

Christian was starting to not know what to make of this. It _sounded_ like him and Syed were together and yet, here and there, there were signs that made him think something was up. The thing that Christian couldn´t get his head around was Zainab and Masood seemingly going from casting him as some hate figure to accepting him and Syed were together. Or didn´t they know?

* * *

Christian and Syed were back at the flat having spent the day in Central London. It had been great, walking along the South Bank, stopping for lunch. Syed had been really relaxed and Christian was basking in the fact that they were finally the couple he´d dreamt of being. They weren´t quite strolling hand in hand but Christian knew that would come, with time. Throughout the day, he´d been using Syed´s mood to his advantage, teasing him with the odd kiss or touch that made him uncomfortable but only taking it so far that it remained playful.

When they got back to the flat, Syed suggested they watch a film but, in the end, they only saw a few minutes before it was abandoned in favour of something else.

* * *

Syed started to get dressed. "I´ve got to get back."

"Eh?"

"They´ll be expecting me at home."

"Why would they be expecting you? Surely they´ll know you´re likely to stay here sometimes?"

"Christian, I´m not gonna rub their faces in it."

"What, so you´re just not gonna stay over anymore? How does that work?"

"Christian!" Syed moaned, evidently annoyed that he wouldn´t just leave it. He started to make for the door.

"What, Sy, are you just never going to tell me what your parents said? Maybe I should go and get it from them," he threatened.

"Oh great, antagonise them and make them change their minds. Just leave it alone, Christian." He left leaving Christian completely lost.

Change their minds from what? He was utterly mystified. This secrecy wasn´t sitting well with him. He felt stupid because he didn´t know if they really were a couple or if it was fantasy. Had nothing really changed? Christian decided that until he received solid confirmation of his and Syed´s relationship, he was just going to carry on his life as normal. He answered a text from Javi that had arrived earlier in the day and invited him round.

* * *

Christian´s hand had been casually playing under Javi´s shorts for the past five minutes or so whilst they lay on the bed, the youngster reading a Spanish magazine. He began to rub him more provocatively but Javi protested.

Christian stopped. "What?"

"I don´t want the sex."

"What´s wrong?"

"I want to read."

"Have I done something?"

"No."

Christian felt he was clearly missing something here. He looked at Javi who peered over the top of his magazine like he was the elder of the two.

"It is ok not want the sex always."

Oh, thought Christian. It was true enough. He felt like he´d been put in his place and, tail between his legs, he got up to choose himself a book from the shelf. He was more a magazine type of guy but he wanted to overcompensate for Javi thinking he was shallow. As he browsed his collection, he felt Javi come up behind him and slip his hands down his front.

"It was joke."


	13. Chapter 13

It had been over a week since Syed had gone home to answer his father. Over the past three days, Syed had been round to the flat a couple of times and they had ignored the elephant in the room, Syed favouring cuddling up to Christian on the sofa or willingly playing slave to his libido. Aside from Syed´s refusal to speak about what had been said, Christian was definitely enjoying spending real time with him and they had arranged to go out again over the weekend.

It kept grating on him though about Amira. He hadn't seen her at all and wondered if she had been told Syed´s secret and left town. Perhaps she hadn't been told the whole story but Syed had been made to end it with her and she´d left because of that. His thoughts were undermined, however, when he caught sight of her on this way to work his shift. His eyes followed her as she returned to the Masood house, leaving him perplexed. So she was still living there? With Syed?

He was distracted at work – tetchy, even – as a million thoughts ran through his head. Had they decided not to tell her? Were she and Syed still a couple? Had the situation remained as it was, with the development in his and Syed´s relationship simply the product of the latter´s acceptance that he had a role to play in his life?

Roxy put her hands on Christian´s face. "Darling, this is ridiculous," she said, noting the third glass he´d broken in the space of a few short hours.

"Sorry, Rox. I can´t… concentrate very well today."

"Does that mean you´re gonna wipe out all the rest of my stock too?"

Christian looked at the floor, feeling hopeless.

"Oh, I was only joking, Christian," Roxy said, looking increasingly concerned. "You ok? You look like you´re on the edge of a nervous breakdown!" She laughed nervously, hoping the mere suggestion was indeed laughable.

"I´m fine," replied Christian, less than convincingly.

"Do you want to go on your lunch break?"

Christian looked up at her gratefully and left quickly. He turned the corner to go back to his flat and stopped to take a deep breath. His stress was getting the better of him, he knew it, but he was at his wits´ end not knowing what was going on with him and Syed. The uncertainty, it threatened to cancel out the enjoyment he was getting from seeing Syed so much. He _had_ said they were going out now – that was the main thing, surely?

He started to walk towards his flat only to be stopped in his tracks a few seconds later by the sight of Syed. And Amira. They had stopped outside the Minute Mart and hadn't seen him, which was fortunate as he was sure his jaw had dropped to the floor. He watched as Syed said something to Amira and went inside. He´d been smiling as he´d talked – clearly Amira wasn't mad at him. She didn't know?

Christian had been standing there staring at Amira for a good few seconds when she looked up and caught his eye. She looked at him and he knew; their subtle exchange provided a mutual understanding of her knowledge. Her silence said everything: that the discussions that had been going on the past few days in the Masood household had concluded that this was to remain in the family, which included her. Syed would be made to stay with Amira and all would appear as normal to the outside world. It was only in the interest of appeasement that Syed would be able to continue his relationship with him, and only then in secret.

Christian felt in his heart a rush of guilt, sorrow, pity, all rolled into one but overshadowed by a crushing pain – the pain of realising Syed was not and would never be his own. Masood and Zainab had stamped their authority on the situation and Amira had relented – whether out of desperation or by coercion, Christian could only speculate. Syed was his part-time, if he wanted him, on the condition that it remain secret and that he too agreed to partake in this disgraceful lie.

A tear slowly made track down Christian´s cheek; with each millimetre it moistened, the greater the shame, for Christian knew he was too weak to live without Syed. He knew he must do what Amira had done: join those who would evermore entertain this charade - this absurdity - and agree to become, in this company of charlatans, a silent partner.

The End.

* * *

_Dedicated to WFCTGIO, with love. _


End file.
